Written by Sabine, photography by Ayessa Coronel

This article is a submission by Sabine, a sapphic woman in her 20s. Edits were made by Type B.

June 26—I’m listening to Olivia Rodrigo’s cigarette smoke; letting my thoughts run free in a room full of future baristas, I never really considered this, despite how much i romanticized it. I wonder why it took me this long to be okay and feel proud of myself. I guess there were times when I never thought I’d see the day I stop dreading every waking moment because I’m finally looking forward to doing something most people would consider as productive. I just (jokingly) told my friends, “Wow, I guess this is what if feels like to be an active member of society. It’s been so long since I did something actively,” I’ve been attending barista classes consistently. and it’s crazy that it took about six months of rest, the death of my dog, and the realization that I’m poly to finally become okay. 

I write this before locking in because that’s usually how it is for me. I pick it up whenever I have the time to sit down. It’s June 29, and I’m listening to cigarette smoke again. I used to think that this song resonated with me, now more than ever, given the realization that I’m still not over my ex, past over a year after our breakup. I stumbled upon a TikTok that said that to return to a person who hurt you is to disrespect that version of you who suffered. I’m right in believing that it had to take liking someone else to feel that I’m over her.

But perhaps bouncing back from that bad breakup allowed the discovery that I’m polyamorous. 

I came to this conclusion when i started talking to someone who was in a poly relationship while I was talking to another woman who was in a similar set up. We’ve already been communicating for three weeks, and I’d like to think that having constant conversation with someone you met on a dating app for that amount of time makes it reasonable to assume that there is, at the very least, mutual interest. And then there was this other girl, whom I admittedly found myself having a crush on despite only conversing with for less than a week. At least one friend I have found it odd (funnily so) how I easily have crushes on people. Can anyone blame me? There are a lot of gorgeous women out there, and I thank god for that.

I wouldn’t say that I have a lot of friends. I also don’t think any of them has had as many crushes as I have. There’s also the fact that I am capable of liking two people in the same way. Coming to terms with this led me to arrive at this sort of security of recognizing that i’m poly. It’s a form of assurance that I believe no other one person can provide me with, for now, at least. I always thought that i was too much—both in how I acted in dating and in what I expected from the people I dated.

Is it really just a coincidence that the very people who gave me exactly what I want are both polyamorous? Debora Anapol’s work called ‘Polyamory in the 21st Century’, which I started reading shortly after coming to terms with this identity, posits that people who resonate with the practice are “driven by love and nothing else”, that internalized limitations stop us from pursuing other people. I always thought that I was a heart over mind kind of person. I choose feelings over facts, and for quite some time that made me think that something was wrong with me, It made me believe that I’m irrational for letting my emotions take the front seat. I also don’t think I ever considered that the world is huge, to the point that it’s inevitable that other people resonate with how I see things. 

To me, the simplest way to describe us individuals who identify with polyamory is that we quite literally have too much love to give. This is not to be confused with love bombing, as I know exactly what that’s like. And it’s scary to express my emotions sometimes, as I know I can come off as intense when admiring someone. But love bombing means no boundaries, and I do know how far I can go. I also think I am at a time in my life where I’ve become more level-headed.

For a time, I was convinced that my anxious attachment style was bad. It came to a point that I worried whether I will ever be able to get over the worry. I have always been the type of person to know what she wants out of a relationship. I never come into something to simply mess around. But I also recognize that genuine connections cannot be built overnight. Still, that doesn’t mean that I’m not allowed to approach a person with the intent of getting to know them carefully. I would like to put in the time and effort to familiarize myself with who they are. Polyamorous individuals, as I have come to learn, are good at that. 

Both women I’ve been talking to have set a good pace. I’m really glad that we’re able to take each other seriously, without actually labeling our relationship as such. I wonder whether this concept would feel alien or even uncanny to those who are monogamous, as it came naturally to me. But the difference lies in understanding. When I first encountered the term ‘situationship’, I honestly thought it was another word for getting to know each other as individuals without calling each other partners. But I guess what I was referring to was actually the ‘talking stage’. Because the idea of an actual situationship? Goosebumps for me. Terrifying. Consider me out. How did that even become a thing? If something like this could be deemed accepted in the dating scene, then maybe understanding polyamory shouldn’t be so difficult. You don’t have to enter into one. Just don’t shame others for resonating with it. Besides, I’m pretty sure there are A-list couples who have been able to keep their relationships intact because they practice ethical nonmonogamy. 

I could go on and on about this, but I’ll stop here. There are a lot of misconceptions about polyamory, the most popular one being that adhering to it is an excuse to mess around or cheat. I understand and recognize where these are coming from, the same way how the (controversial) argument that bisexual women are problematic continue to stir. But when we recognize that polyamorous individuals can have major flaws, we obviously don’t mean that all of them do. The same goes for bisexual women. and even men. We can’t just judge people for who they are and prison them into a single definition, and I don’t think anyone can blame me when I say that realizing I’m poly has been one of the most liberating experiences of my life. Don’t we all deserve to encounter that feeling at least once? This crazy, wanting to talk even if it’s nonsense and you’re trapped in a web of thoughts all because you’re happy? It’s just extremely freeing. I can’t believe I get to say that for the first time in a long time, I don’t feel like i’m trying to fit myself into a way of loving that was never mine 🌈

About the Author

Sabine is a 24-year-old sapphic woman based in Batangas, Philippines, hoping to connect with people who relate to her thoughts (and even just this piece). Find her on Instagram at @squashzini.